Continued Estate Processing

In my most recent blog post I discussed how my father’s estate had finally been closed, now almost 1 week later and I have yet to hear regarding my final instructions (as far as distributing the assets). Therefore, not much has changed. Coincidentally I have decided to cease taking my anti-anxiety medications (“happy pills”) as I like to call them. Before I briefly explain why I need to start out by saying I have NO qualms against taking medication for anxiety or depression, as it can be necessary and incredibly helpful, but I’m starting to think that this is not currently me. Since I have the misfortune of being very familiar with the angel of death I have started to see emotional and physical patterns that have emerged around these traumatic situations. I feel as though the emotions, the anxieties, the hurt, the pain, the joy, the love, etc that I’m currently subject to, are all necessary for my current state of healing. To clarify, I don’t feel as though I need to medicate, although it is possible that as I continue without the medications I may find I do function better with them. However, I want to see if I can learn to manage them on my own. Another reason I have decided to do this is because I’m working closely with my counselor and a life coach who are both guiding me on the journey to better emotional health, as in “caity, stop stuffing the emotions down until you explode, it’s not the best.” blah blah blah, (haha when I don’t want to initially admit someone has hit the nail on the head I use sarcasm to respond). And to clarify I do agree with both of them, it has only gotten worse as life moves on and I want to address this so I can enjoy and feel all the emotions on a realistic and appropriate timeline. Also, so that red wine continues to be my friend and not my shoulder to cry on…it’s weird, when you stuff those emotions down long enough they always find some way to release without your help…hence the red wine *insert face palm emoji*. At baseline, I feel emotions (all of them…good, “bad”, ugly) strongly and consider myself to have a highly sensitive nervous system. To give you a glimpse into my current emotional “health” when my liquor gets on top of me (which doesn’t happen often) or I avoid it long enough that my anxiety turns into a panic attack the storm of emotions is like a category 5 hurricane. I’m not exaggerating, it literally feels exactly like the moment we pulled mom’s life support and when I (as power of attorney…oh and 8 months pregnant) had to confirm with the doctor “please cease CPR, dad wished to be DNR.” While death is huge and I believe it can elicit these emotions even years later, I still battle with this severity on a regular basis and my mother died 13 years ago. The worst part is that the undercurrent of depression that usually follows takes me out of commission for several hours the next morning or for the rest of the day. I know it is healthy to release the emotions but these are such extremely exhausting episodes I just want relief. Wow, ok, that got deeper than I expected to share, so if you need a tissue…or a glass of red wine, I would completely understand. Just beware of the “whole bottle” consequences…. ya, ya, hubby I know, it’s not the whole bottle, more like 3 glasses consequences” -he’s always giving me shit for being a lightweight.