The view from my rocking chair

I haven’t written in a long time. Partially that is because everything with this pregnancy has been changing so rapidly that one minute the fear is overwhelming, the next moment an “all clear” is sounded and quite frankly I don’t know how to share this emotional whiplash. As my C-section date approaches I am beyond ready for it to be over. I am ready to have my body back. I’m ready to have my family completed by this newest addition. I am “ready” for the next phase. (and good Lord am I ready for some damn wine!) I am not, however, ready for the actual C section…I’m quite anxious about this. The biggest thing I have learned, or maybe confirmed, with this pregnancy is that I can grow amazing babies, but my body cannot handle the process of growing them. Hubby and I joke that with my pregnancies only death and destruction follow, after all, my dad died 1.5 months prior to my first and now the coronavirus has literally shutdown the world. So when people ask if we are having more kids I reply “believe me, I am only thinking of the world when I say no.”

While I know my pregnancy could be so much worse, I have had it pretty rough. Usually the actual having of a baby will make you reach your insurance deductible but I have already reached my deductible and baby isn’t coming until Monday, March 30th. A few weeks ago I went to the ER for shortness of breath (long before covid 19 was a thought in anyone’s mind, here anyways). Based on symptoms they wanted to rule out a PE (blood clot in my lungs) so they did a CT-Scan. Thankfully no PE was found but they did find a spot on my liver. Upon leaving they said “it’s probably nothing, you have probably had it on your liver your whole life. Of course we can’t do anything about it until after you have completed this pregnancy so lets wait.” And honestly I was 100% ok with this. Then after several subsequent dr appointments, at which each dr said “you know you have a liver lesion, correct” I started to worry a little. My OB had originally moved my C-section date to Saturday March 28th as this is my mothers birthday and a special day for me. When this liver lesion was found, my dr had no choice but to move my C-section to Monday March 30th so the procedure can be performed in the regular OR with a general surgeon on staff, in case I start to bleed, and with extra units of my blood available in the chance of an emergency. Over and over again they have assured me that these are just precautionary steps, which I am very grateful for but it doesn’t lessen the fear that overwhelms me in general regarding the C-section. The other day I had my last OB appointment as well as a follow up liver ultrasound which indicated the tumor has not grown and we are good to go through with our current plan in place. There is a “hepatobiliary tumor board” that was just formed within the Centura health system, they are the team who saw the scan and determined what was the appropriate plan of care. It’s crazy because they legitimately just started 2 months ago, I was one of the first cases reviewed. Several months after baby girl is born they want me to have an MRI to determine if this is cancerous, benign, if I’ll need treatment or if we ignore it.

(I understand the importance of all the regulations and restrictions with covid but that doesn’t change how incredibly heartbreaking this experience has been) My aunt and uncle have cancelled their trip to come visit me and the babies. One of my besties is unable to come to help me through the birth. In fact, my own daughter cannot come to the hospital to meet her baby sister. The only person who is allowed in labor and delivery is my hubby, which I’m so incredibly grateful for this opportunity. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m terrified. With each emotional layer of complexity it is harder and harder for me to stay above/ahead of the rising anxiety within me. I have had to significantly limit my time on social media because quite honestly I can’t handle it. I have always “preferred” to handle the tough emotions that make me feel vulnerable by hiding behind my anger….and boy have I been angry lately.

I’m trying incredibly hard to focus on a better mindset to help prepare me for the C-section and life with a newborn. I’m working with a friend who is AWESOME and she is helping coach me through some preparations to keep my cool in the operating room. She’s also helping me remember that the whole process will bring me closer to my newest baby girl and to the completion of our family of 4! As in most things I struggle looking through the trial to the end prize, but believe you me, I’m trying harder than ever to focus on the prize and focus on the ends justifying the means.

3 more days…
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Caitlin (Flemino) Felderman PT, DPTcmfelderman@gmail.com763-234-3770